From a Life of "Blaming Others" to a Life Imbued with “Gratitude”
Takuei Ohiwa
Japan
One day, after class when I was in Primary 3, I was alone in the classroom when my form teacher suddenly came up to me and started slapping me, saying “I hate you. I hate you.” Over and over again. Since that day, I could not go to school anymore. I could not confide in anyone and suffered alone. Eventually, I shut myself up.
Living a Life of Isolated Withdrawal
I didn’t want to meet anyone. I didn’t want to go out. I lived in reclusion in my room repeating the cycle of watching television, reading manga (Japanese comics) and playing computer games. During my secondary school days, I was able to go to school thanks to my childhood friend who came frequently to invite me to go to school together. However, at the most, I attended 10 days of school in one year.
After completing my secondary school, I began working part time in a shop selling fishing gears. I knew that I had to do something to orientate myself back to society or else my future would be “pitch dark”. I tried very hard but I failed. I was bullied by the store assistant manager. I was subjected to vicious verbal abuse and treated like trash. There was an occasion when I was ordered to work under the scorching sun on a mid-summer day.
Eventually, I began to develop strange symptoms. I began to perspire profusely and shiver non-stop just by coming into contact with another human being. “What is he going to do to me? What is he plotting behind my back?” Questions like these kept going through my mind. I could no longer trust anyone. I quitted my job.
I withdrew into my room again and lived a life of day-night reversal (sleeping during the clay and staying awake throughout the night). I could not stop perspiring even when my own family members spoke to me. Anthrophobia symptoms got from bad to worse day by day.
One day, as I was staring blankly at the television, the words of a critic remained ringing in my ears. He said: "In any case, without educational qualifications, you can’t do anything." I realised that even if I manage to go out into the society, it would be useless. This meant that I didn’t have a future. If that’s the case, then why should I continue living?
From that day onwards, I began to focus on just one thing — “when should I die?” I lived in complete isolation in my room thinking only of this question.
This Person Is Different
At around this period, my mother began attending seminars organised by different religions. The reason for this was none other than me. There were occasions when strangers came into my room and invited me to attend their gatherings. Needless to say, I could not trust what they said. I couldn't even believe in the people who were close to me, not to mention Gods and Buddhas. How could I trust such beings?
After experiencing different kinds of religion, her last straw was the Soka Gakkai. She became a member as a last resort. When I went out of my room to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, I saw my mother praying earnestly. Though I could hardly hear her voice, it seemed that she was crying. She was chanting something while sobbing. “She must be praying for me......" But somehow, I felt as if it was someone else’s business and had nothing to do with me. “She is working hard. But such a pity. There’s no meaning in praying. Nothing will happen no matter how hard she prays.”
It was almost ten years since the day I withdrew into my own world when I was in primary three. One day, I took the opportunity to browse through the house for food when no one was at home. I went into the room where I saw my mother praying and noticed a book. I thought I would read it to kill time and brought the book back into my room.
The title of the book was “On Life”. As I continued reading it, I was overcome by a very strange feeling.
What is this warmth that I feel in my heart? Why do I feel courage surging forth from the depths of my life? Maybe, just maybe, I will be alright after all. Just a few minutes ago, I had given up on life, thinking when I should die.... I felt as if the book was reaching out to me, calling forth to me with dead seriousness: “It doesn't matter what happened in the past. What’s important is the present and the future!"
I had stopped trusting all human beings but I felt intuitively, “This person is different”. And “this person” was the author of the book ——“Daisaku Ikeda”.
Breaking Through a Decade of Suffering
I asked my mother: "Mom, does this daimoku thing work?”
“Try it for yourself and you'll know!” she replied.
“Is that so?....” Pretending I was not interested, I just took note of how to chant. After everyone left home, I secretly chanted daimoku. I felt the dark clouds covering my heart dispersing and felt so refreshed!
Thereafter, I continued to chant. Slowly, I was able to have dinner with my family at the same table. I could speak with my elder brother and enjoyed the conversation. I could even go to the nearby convenience store. Although I was chanting secretly, I guess everyone in my family knew I was chanting. The change in me was simply too obvious.
One day, my mother told me, “Why don’t you meet up with the big brothers from the Soka Gakkai?” I was still apprehensive about meeting and speaking with strangers at that point in time. However, at the same time, I was curious to know what were the people like from the Soka Gakkai?
I met up with them. They turned out to be really fun people with kind hearts. I was amazed that not a single anthrophobia symptom, which had tormented me for so long, appeared.
Several days later, my mother brought me to the Soka Gakkai activity centre. Going to a crowded place was actually a huge hurdle for me and I felt nervous about it. Upon reaching the centre, I looked at the screen that everyone else was looking at. There, I saw this person whom I was seeing for the first time but somehow or other, I felt as if I was meeting someone who was already close to my heart.
Yes, it was Daisaku Ikeda — the very person who gave me a future. This time, he was speaking to me personally from the screen. The message he was conveying to me were exactly what I had read in the book, “On Life”.
“Your life begins from this moment. Everything begins from now. You must enjoy happiness." This was the message that penetrated into my life. I felt like someone giving me a pat on my shoulders and pushing me from behind to move on. I felt I was freed from my suffering — a feeling I had never experienced before in my life. It was literally a breakthrough. The ten years were long. It was painful. But it's okay. Because everything begins from now.... I realized for the first time that when human beings are overwhelmed by deep emotions, tears would not stop flowing. With wholehearted admiration for this individual whom everyone calls, “Ikeda Sensei”, I became a member of the Soka Gakkai. That was on a winter day when I was 20 years old.
Confronting My Weaknesses!
After taking up faith, I engaged myself in all the activities together with my YMD seniors. Wherever I went, be it discussion meetings or prayer meetings, I was warmly welcomed by everyone who kept saying, “We're so glad you came”, “Thank you so much for making the effort to come". My seniors brought me along when they went for dialogues with fellow members. Slowly but surely, I found myself conquering my anthrophobia.
I became a member of the Gajokai Academy Group (security group that looks into the security of the centres) and took up the challenge to introduce Buddhism to my friends. Initially, I was not sure if I should be doing that at all as I had little or no knowledge of Buddhism. But when my seniors told me that President Ikeda is a champion of propagation, I found myself with the determination to do the same.
As I continued to engage myself in dialogues on Buddhism, I realised that my friend with whom I was trying to share Buddhism, was my “mirror”. He resented people. He did not have any self-esteem. He was troubled by human relationship problems — All these sufferings and karma was an exact reflection of my own weaknesses. They were all negativities that I wanted to overcome so much. That was why when I tried to introduce Buddhism to my friend and started praying seriously for his happiness, I felt my own life transforming. I was amazed what the practice of propagation could do to my life.
One day, while I was continuing to exert myself in various activities, we decided to come out with a YMD item for our Chapter General Meeting. Although I was not confident if I was well enough to perform before a crowd, I decided to take up the challenge as it was my YMD chapter leader who had really cared for me during my lowest point in life who initiated this performance. When he said to me, “Come, let's do it!” I resolved to do it.
On the actual day, I found myself wearing a silly costume and dancing to music, to a crowd who were laughing hilariously. Everyone was having so much fun with us and laughing together. Although it may look merely like another silly performance, to me, I was so overwhelmed that I nearly shed tears of joy. Because from the depths of my life, I heard myself saying, “I’m alright now. It’s all over. I have become so strong. We completely recovered!” It was then that I realised that these comrades with whom I was performing the silly dance were the very people who helped me breakthrough the thick walls of anthrophobia.
I also deeply felt that it was faith that enabled me to confront my weaknesses. I have realised that one who cannot confront one’s own weaknesses, will never have a future. This is also a constant reminder to myself.
Today, I am advancing along the path of my mission as a Vice YMD Region Leader cum Chapter Leader, and also as the security chief of the Gajokai Group in my ward. I introduced three friends of mine to Buddhism, who received their Gohonzon last year. I found a job that I was praying for and am on the career path of my dream. Of course, I am truly happy to be able to show actual proofs in society. However, more than anything else, I am most happy that I can now feel grateful to my past. I believe this is the greatest benefit of my practice.
Before I took up faith, I was a person who blamed everyone else for my suffering. But faith has enabled me to become a person who feels grateful to everyone for my life. This is why I am even grateful to the form teacher who slapped me while saying, “I hate you!“ It was because of that painful experience I was able to encounter President Ikeda. That is why I am so grateful.
President Ikeda has given me hope and a future. Now, it’s my turn to impart it to others.
(Translated from the May 2015 issue of Daibyakurenge)
Translation Disclaimer: The original testimonial is in the Chinese Language. It has been translated to the English Language for our readers’ convenience. Reasonable efforts have been made to provide an accurate translation, however the editorial team acknowledged that the translation may not be perfect to the author’s original and seeks our readers understanding. Please note that all guidance and quotes are loosely translated.
(编辑注释: 以上是中英翻译，原版如下.)
从“都是别人的错”的抱怨的人生到“多亏了别人”的感谢的人生
大岩卓央
日本
念小学三年级的时候，有一次放学后，教室里只剩我一人。班主任突然走上来，扇了我一记耳光，并重复地说：“我讨厌你!我讨厌你！”
从此以后，我不能去学校了。我无人可倾诉，只能独自承受痛苦，心里闷闷不乐。
闷居的生活
我不想见人，也不想出外，成天就是呆在家里重复着看电视节目、看漫画、打电动游戏。到了中学时代，多亏有个童年伙伴经常邀我，我这才得以去上学。即便如此,一年当中上学的天数顶多也不过10天。
中学毕业后，我开始在钓鱼用具店兼职。为免前途变得一片黑暗，我尽可能去应社会，尝试努力工作，可是没有用。我被副店长欺负，他对我恶言相向，当我是讨厌鬼，也曾在盛夏烈日当空，命令我在户外拼命工作。
过没多久，我只要跟人接触，就会不停地冒汗、发抖。“他要拿我怎样?”“这个家伙在搞什么”类似这样的问题不断在我脑子里出现。我变得无法相倍任何人，工作也辞了。
我再次闷居家中，过着昼夜颠倒的生活。就算是家人跟我打招呼，我也会不住地冒汗。怕与人为伍症的症状越来越强。
有一天，我什么也没想地呆望着电视机的吋候，电视上的评述员的话传入我耳里：“最终，没有学历是不行的。”是吗？即便我出社会工作也没有用的。我不会有前途。那样的话，我为何还要活下去?
自那以后，我把自己关在房里，只想着“几时死”的问题。
唯独这个人不一样
大概在这个时候，母亲开始去参如各种宗教讲座。原因没错，就是为了我。有时候会有陌生人走进我房里，邀请我去参加他们的集会。当然，我无法相信别人讲的话。我连亲近的人都无法相信，更何况是我所不知道神佛。我怎能相信这些东西呢？
母亲在经历过各种宗教之后，最后想依赖而加入的，就是创价学会。半夜里我走出房间去上厕所途中，会看见母亲在拼命地祈求。虽然她的声音很小，却总觉得她是在啜泣。她一边哭，一边念着什么东西。应该是在为我祈求吧，而我却像是别人的事一样，心想：“那么努力啊。可惜祈求是没意思的。”
小学三年级就开始的闷居生活，一过就是10年。有一天趁家里没人，我在家中到处找东西吃。我一踏进母亲祈求的房间，就看见一本书。我心想：“利用空闲时间读读看。”我不由地把书拿回自己房里。
这本书的书名是《人生抄》。当我读下去的时候，一股莫名的感觉油然而生。我心里这个温暖的感觉究竟是什么来着？为什么会有勇气涌上来呢？或许我会没有问题也说不定。或许活下去也没关系。刚刚还对人生感到心灰，还在想要几时死的我。我感觉这本书在认真地呼唤我：“过去发生什么都没关系。重要的是现在和未来!”
我已经不再相信所有的人了，可是唯独这个人不一样。那就是这本书的作者，一个叫“池田大作”的人。
10年来的痛苦消失了
我问母亲：“这个题目，很厉害吗？” 母亲斩钉截铁地说：“你唱唱看就知道了。” ”嗯。”我应道，然后又装出一副不经意的样子问她怎么个念法。一天，家人全都出去了，我便一个人悄悄地唱唱看。心中的烦闷不见了，我感觉到轻松愉快。
过后我继续唱题。渐渐的，我能够和家人一起用餐，也能够跟哥哥愉快地交谈，还能够一个人去便利店。
虽然我没向家人说出我唱题的秘密，恐怕他们也知道，因为我的转化太显著了。
有一天，母亲对我说：“跟男子部的大哥哥们见见面，怎么样？跟他人交谈这种事我还是会感到不安。不过，学会的人是怎样的人呢，我倒是惑兴趣。
于是我跟他们见面。原来他们是既有趣又亲切的人。只有在那时候，我那难受的症状完全没有出现。我能够跟他们开心地交谈。
几天后，母亲带我去会馆。在很多人前面走动，对我来说是一件苦差。我们到了会馆，我望着大家目不转睛地盯着的荧光幕。这时我在画面上看到一个虽是初次见到，却感觉亲切的人。
池田大作。给予我未来的人。那个人简直像是在对我一个人在讲活一样，说着跟那本《人生抄》里同样的话。
“从今以后。从现在开始。要变得幸福起来。”――这番话让我感觉像是有人在背后推了我一把似。我的痛苦没了。是一种至今为止不曾体会过的心情。10年是漫长的。是辛苦的。可是，没关系。因为一切从现在开始……。我有生以来第一次知道人在感情澎湃的时候，会流出眼泪。我因为佩服这位人人称之为“池田先生”的人而决定加人创价学会。那是在我20岁那一年的冬天。
面对自己！
入信后，我跟着男子部的前辈们去参加活动。无论去座谈会也好，唱题会也好，大伙儿都会跟我打招呼,说：“很高兴你来了。”“谢谢你前来参加”前辈们也会带着我去跟会员们对话。一点一点地，我克服了对人的恐惧症。
我加入了牙城会（看守会馆），也挑战折伏。起初我心想：“佛法也不懂就做折伏，行吗？ ” 可是，当我从前辈那里听说池田先生是折伏斗士时，马上充满决意要做折伏。
在重复佛法的对话种，我发觉折伏的对象就是自己的一面“镜子”。对方憎恨別人、不相信自己、为人际关系折腾一一友人的这些烦恼、宿命，恰恰就是我自己的软弱之处，是我希望改变之处。正是因为通过折伏，友人也会变得幸福起来，而我本身也能够变革。我觉得折伏好厉害呀。
我一再参加学会的活动。有一天，我们决定要在支部总会上呈献一个男子部的节目。尽管我还末有信心能在大众面前表演，可是由于向来非常关照我的男子部支部干事说：“好,干吧”，那种气概让我下定决心,要一起努力看看。
总会当天。不知为何我们穿着短裤的样子，站在与会者的面前跟着音乐跳舞时，竟然引得全场爆笑。大家拍着手，好不开心。从旁看的活,也许很搞笑，可是我却高兴到流出了眼汨。“我已经没问题了。我变得那么坚强。我的病已经痊愈了！”我打从心底如此确信。然后，我发觉是一面跟我一起做搞笑的事，一面激励我的同志们帮助我敲破了对人不信的障壁。而且，我也感觉到是信心让我正视我的缺点。不能面对自己的人，不会有未来。——我不时提醒自己。
如今，我作为男子部的区主任兼支部男子部部长，还有牙城会的区警备长，在使命之道上前进。去年我实现了3名友人敬领御本尊的弘教，且能够换了一份自己心仪的工作。能在社会上努力我当然高兴，可是最教我高兴的是，我能够成为对过去经历过的辛苦的事全然感激的自己，我实感这是我最大的功德。
人信前的我，一切全是“别人的错”，可是信心让我能够变成一切全是“多亏了别人”。因此，就连当年那位说：“我讨厌你”，还打我的班主任，如今我也心存感激。因为正是有那个痛苦的经历，我才得以遇到池田先生。
我从池田先生那里得到梦想和希望，今后是轮到我将它给予他人。
(卓碗真譯自《大白蓮華》2015年5月)
Takuei Ohiwa
Japan
One day, after class when I was in Primary 3, I was alone in the classroom when my form teacher suddenly came up to me and started slapping me, saying “I hate you. I hate you.” Over and over again. Since that day, I could not go to school anymore. I could not confide in anyone and suffered alone. Eventually, I shut myself up.
Living a Life of Isolated Withdrawal
I didn’t want to meet anyone. I didn’t want to go out. I lived in reclusion in my room repeating the cycle of watching television, reading manga (Japanese comics) and playing computer games. During my secondary school days, I was able to go to school thanks to my childhood friend who came frequently to invite me to go to school together. However, at the most, I attended 10 days of school in one year.
After completing my secondary school, I began working part time in a shop selling fishing gears. I knew that I had to do something to orientate myself back to society or else my future would be “pitch dark”. I tried very hard but I failed. I was bullied by the store assistant manager. I was subjected to vicious verbal abuse and treated like trash. There was an occasion when I was ordered to work under the scorching sun on a mid-summer day.
Eventually, I began to develop strange symptoms. I began to perspire profusely and shiver non-stop just by coming into contact with another human being. “What is he going to do to me? What is he plotting behind my back?” Questions like these kept going through my mind. I could no longer trust anyone. I quitted my job.
I withdrew into my room again and lived a life of day-night reversal (sleeping during the clay and staying awake throughout the night). I could not stop perspiring even when my own family members spoke to me. Anthrophobia symptoms got from bad to worse day by day.
One day, as I was staring blankly at the television, the words of a critic remained ringing in my ears. He said: "In any case, without educational qualifications, you can’t do anything." I realised that even if I manage to go out into the society, it would be useless. This meant that I didn’t have a future. If that’s the case, then why should I continue living?
From that day onwards, I began to focus on just one thing — “when should I die?” I lived in complete isolation in my room thinking only of this question.
This Person Is Different
At around this period, my mother began attending seminars organised by different religions. The reason for this was none other than me. There were occasions when strangers came into my room and invited me to attend their gatherings. Needless to say, I could not trust what they said. I couldn't even believe in the people who were close to me, not to mention Gods and Buddhas. How could I trust such beings?
After experiencing different kinds of religion, her last straw was the Soka Gakkai. She became a member as a last resort. When I went out of my room to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, I saw my mother praying earnestly. Though I could hardly hear her voice, it seemed that she was crying. She was chanting something while sobbing. “She must be praying for me......" But somehow, I felt as if it was someone else’s business and had nothing to do with me. “She is working hard. But such a pity. There’s no meaning in praying. Nothing will happen no matter how hard she prays.”
It was almost ten years since the day I withdrew into my own world when I was in primary three. One day, I took the opportunity to browse through the house for food when no one was at home. I went into the room where I saw my mother praying and noticed a book. I thought I would read it to kill time and brought the book back into my room.
The title of the book was “On Life”. As I continued reading it, I was overcome by a very strange feeling.
What is this warmth that I feel in my heart? Why do I feel courage surging forth from the depths of my life? Maybe, just maybe, I will be alright after all. Just a few minutes ago, I had given up on life, thinking when I should die.... I felt as if the book was reaching out to me, calling forth to me with dead seriousness: “It doesn't matter what happened in the past. What’s important is the present and the future!"
I had stopped trusting all human beings but I felt intuitively, “This person is different”. And “this person” was the author of the book ——“Daisaku Ikeda”.
Breaking Through a Decade of Suffering
I asked my mother: "Mom, does this daimoku thing work?”
“Try it for yourself and you'll know!” she replied.
“Is that so?....” Pretending I was not interested, I just took note of how to chant. After everyone left home, I secretly chanted daimoku. I felt the dark clouds covering my heart dispersing and felt so refreshed!
Thereafter, I continued to chant. Slowly, I was able to have dinner with my family at the same table. I could speak with my elder brother and enjoyed the conversation. I could even go to the nearby convenience store. Although I was chanting secretly, I guess everyone in my family knew I was chanting. The change in me was simply too obvious.
One day, my mother told me, “Why don’t you meet up with the big brothers from the Soka Gakkai?” I was still apprehensive about meeting and speaking with strangers at that point in time. However, at the same time, I was curious to know what were the people like from the Soka Gakkai?
I met up with them. They turned out to be really fun people with kind hearts. I was amazed that not a single anthrophobia symptom, which had tormented me for so long, appeared.
Several days later, my mother brought me to the Soka Gakkai activity centre. Going to a crowded place was actually a huge hurdle for me and I felt nervous about it. Upon reaching the centre, I looked at the screen that everyone else was looking at. There, I saw this person whom I was seeing for the first time but somehow or other, I felt as if I was meeting someone who was already close to my heart.
Yes, it was Daisaku Ikeda — the very person who gave me a future. This time, he was speaking to me personally from the screen. The message he was conveying to me were exactly what I had read in the book, “On Life”.
“Your life begins from this moment. Everything begins from now. You must enjoy happiness." This was the message that penetrated into my life. I felt like someone giving me a pat on my shoulders and pushing me from behind to move on. I felt I was freed from my suffering — a feeling I had never experienced before in my life. It was literally a breakthrough. The ten years were long. It was painful. But it's okay. Because everything begins from now.... I realized for the first time that when human beings are overwhelmed by deep emotions, tears would not stop flowing. With wholehearted admiration for this individual whom everyone calls, “Ikeda Sensei”, I became a member of the Soka Gakkai. That was on a winter day when I was 20 years old.
Confronting My Weaknesses!
After taking up faith, I engaged myself in all the activities together with my YMD seniors. Wherever I went, be it discussion meetings or prayer meetings, I was warmly welcomed by everyone who kept saying, “We're so glad you came”, “Thank you so much for making the effort to come". My seniors brought me along when they went for dialogues with fellow members. Slowly but surely, I found myself conquering my anthrophobia.
I became a member of the Gajokai Academy Group (security group that looks into the security of the centres) and took up the challenge to introduce Buddhism to my friends. Initially, I was not sure if I should be doing that at all as I had little or no knowledge of Buddhism. But when my seniors told me that President Ikeda is a champion of propagation, I found myself with the determination to do the same.
As I continued to engage myself in dialogues on Buddhism, I realised that my friend with whom I was trying to share Buddhism, was my “mirror”. He resented people. He did not have any self-esteem. He was troubled by human relationship problems — All these sufferings and karma was an exact reflection of my own weaknesses. They were all negativities that I wanted to overcome so much. That was why when I tried to introduce Buddhism to my friend and started praying seriously for his happiness, I felt my own life transforming. I was amazed what the practice of propagation could do to my life.
One day, while I was continuing to exert myself in various activities, we decided to come out with a YMD item for our Chapter General Meeting. Although I was not confident if I was well enough to perform before a crowd, I decided to take up the challenge as it was my YMD chapter leader who had really cared for me during my lowest point in life who initiated this performance. When he said to me, “Come, let's do it!” I resolved to do it.
On the actual day, I found myself wearing a silly costume and dancing to music, to a crowd who were laughing hilariously. Everyone was having so much fun with us and laughing together. Although it may look merely like another silly performance, to me, I was so overwhelmed that I nearly shed tears of joy. Because from the depths of my life, I heard myself saying, “I’m alright now. It’s all over. I have become so strong. We completely recovered!” It was then that I realised that these comrades with whom I was performing the silly dance were the very people who helped me breakthrough the thick walls of anthrophobia.
I also deeply felt that it was faith that enabled me to confront my weaknesses. I have realised that one who cannot confront one’s own weaknesses, will never have a future. This is also a constant reminder to myself.
Today, I am advancing along the path of my mission as a Vice YMD Region Leader cum Chapter Leader, and also as the security chief of the Gajokai Group in my ward. I introduced three friends of mine to Buddhism, who received their Gohonzon last year. I found a job that I was praying for and am on the career path of my dream. Of course, I am truly happy to be able to show actual proofs in society. However, more than anything else, I am most happy that I can now feel grateful to my past. I believe this is the greatest benefit of my practice.
Before I took up faith, I was a person who blamed everyone else for my suffering. But faith has enabled me to become a person who feels grateful to everyone for my life. This is why I am even grateful to the form teacher who slapped me while saying, “I hate you!“ It was because of that painful experience I was able to encounter President Ikeda. That is why I am so grateful.
President Ikeda has given me hope and a future. Now, it’s my turn to impart it to others.
(Translated from the May 2015 issue of Daibyakurenge)
Translation Disclaimer: The original testimonial is in the Chinese Language. It has been translated to the English Language for our readers’ convenience. Reasonable efforts have been made to provide an accurate translation, however the editorial team acknowledged that the translation may not be perfect to the author’s original and seeks our readers understanding. Please note that all guidance and quotes are loosely translated.
(编辑注释: 以上是中英翻译，原版如下.)
从“都是别人的错”的抱怨的人生到“多亏了别人”的感谢的人生
大岩卓央
日本
念小学三年级的时候，有一次放学后，教室里只剩我一人。班主任突然走上来，扇了我一记耳光，并重复地说：“我讨厌你!我讨厌你！”
从此以后，我不能去学校了。我无人可倾诉，只能独自承受痛苦，心里闷闷不乐。
闷居的生活
我不想见人，也不想出外，成天就是呆在家里重复着看电视节目、看漫画、打电动游戏。到了中学时代，多亏有个童年伙伴经常邀我，我这才得以去上学。即便如此,一年当中上学的天数顶多也不过10天。
中学毕业后，我开始在钓鱼用具店兼职。为免前途变得一片黑暗，我尽可能去应社会，尝试努力工作，可是没有用。我被副店长欺负，他对我恶言相向，当我是讨厌鬼，也曾在盛夏烈日当空，命令我在户外拼命工作。
过没多久，我只要跟人接触，就会不停地冒汗、发抖。“他要拿我怎样?”“这个家伙在搞什么”类似这样的问题不断在我脑子里出现。我变得无法相倍任何人，工作也辞了。
我再次闷居家中，过着昼夜颠倒的生活。就算是家人跟我打招呼，我也会不住地冒汗。怕与人为伍症的症状越来越强。
有一天，我什么也没想地呆望着电视机的吋候，电视上的评述员的话传入我耳里：“最终，没有学历是不行的。”是吗？即便我出社会工作也没有用的。我不会有前途。那样的话，我为何还要活下去?
自那以后，我把自己关在房里，只想着“几时死”的问题。
唯独这个人不一样
大概在这个时候，母亲开始去参如各种宗教讲座。原因没错，就是为了我。有时候会有陌生人走进我房里，邀请我去参加他们的集会。当然，我无法相信别人讲的话。我连亲近的人都无法相信，更何况是我所不知道神佛。我怎能相信这些东西呢？
母亲在经历过各种宗教之后，最后想依赖而加入的，就是创价学会。半夜里我走出房间去上厕所途中，会看见母亲在拼命地祈求。虽然她的声音很小，却总觉得她是在啜泣。她一边哭，一边念着什么东西。应该是在为我祈求吧，而我却像是别人的事一样，心想：“那么努力啊。可惜祈求是没意思的。”
小学三年级就开始的闷居生活，一过就是10年。有一天趁家里没人，我在家中到处找东西吃。我一踏进母亲祈求的房间，就看见一本书。我心想：“利用空闲时间读读看。”我不由地把书拿回自己房里。
这本书的书名是《人生抄》。当我读下去的时候，一股莫名的感觉油然而生。我心里这个温暖的感觉究竟是什么来着？为什么会有勇气涌上来呢？或许我会没有问题也说不定。或许活下去也没关系。刚刚还对人生感到心灰，还在想要几时死的我。我感觉这本书在认真地呼唤我：“过去发生什么都没关系。重要的是现在和未来!”
我已经不再相信所有的人了，可是唯独这个人不一样。那就是这本书的作者，一个叫“池田大作”的人。
10年来的痛苦消失了
我问母亲：“这个题目，很厉害吗？” 母亲斩钉截铁地说：“你唱唱看就知道了。” ”嗯。”我应道，然后又装出一副不经意的样子问她怎么个念法。一天，家人全都出去了，我便一个人悄悄地唱唱看。心中的烦闷不见了，我感觉到轻松愉快。
过后我继续唱题。渐渐的，我能够和家人一起用餐，也能够跟哥哥愉快地交谈，还能够一个人去便利店。
虽然我没向家人说出我唱题的秘密，恐怕他们也知道，因为我的转化太显著了。
有一天，母亲对我说：“跟男子部的大哥哥们见见面，怎么样？跟他人交谈这种事我还是会感到不安。不过，学会的人是怎样的人呢，我倒是惑兴趣。
于是我跟他们见面。原来他们是既有趣又亲切的人。只有在那时候，我那难受的症状完全没有出现。我能够跟他们开心地交谈。
几天后，母亲带我去会馆。在很多人前面走动，对我来说是一件苦差。我们到了会馆，我望着大家目不转睛地盯着的荧光幕。这时我在画面上看到一个虽是初次见到，却感觉亲切的人。
池田大作。给予我未来的人。那个人简直像是在对我一个人在讲活一样，说着跟那本《人生抄》里同样的话。
“从今以后。从现在开始。要变得幸福起来。”――这番话让我感觉像是有人在背后推了我一把似。我的痛苦没了。是一种至今为止不曾体会过的心情。10年是漫长的。是辛苦的。可是，没关系。因为一切从现在开始……。我有生以来第一次知道人在感情澎湃的时候，会流出眼泪。我因为佩服这位人人称之为“池田先生”的人而决定加人创价学会。那是在我20岁那一年的冬天。
面对自己！
入信后，我跟着男子部的前辈们去参加活动。无论去座谈会也好，唱题会也好，大伙儿都会跟我打招呼,说：“很高兴你来了。”“谢谢你前来参加”前辈们也会带着我去跟会员们对话。一点一点地，我克服了对人的恐惧症。
我加入了牙城会（看守会馆），也挑战折伏。起初我心想：“佛法也不懂就做折伏，行吗？ ” 可是，当我从前辈那里听说池田先生是折伏斗士时，马上充满决意要做折伏。
在重复佛法的对话种，我发觉折伏的对象就是自己的一面“镜子”。对方憎恨別人、不相信自己、为人际关系折腾一一友人的这些烦恼、宿命，恰恰就是我自己的软弱之处，是我希望改变之处。正是因为通过折伏，友人也会变得幸福起来，而我本身也能够变革。我觉得折伏好厉害呀。
我一再参加学会的活动。有一天，我们决定要在支部总会上呈献一个男子部的节目。尽管我还末有信心能在大众面前表演，可是由于向来非常关照我的男子部支部干事说：“好,干吧”，那种气概让我下定决心,要一起努力看看。
总会当天。不知为何我们穿着短裤的样子，站在与会者的面前跟着音乐跳舞时，竟然引得全场爆笑。大家拍着手，好不开心。从旁看的活,也许很搞笑，可是我却高兴到流出了眼汨。“我已经没问题了。我变得那么坚强。我的病已经痊愈了！”我打从心底如此确信。然后，我发觉是一面跟我一起做搞笑的事，一面激励我的同志们帮助我敲破了对人不信的障壁。而且，我也感觉到是信心让我正视我的缺点。不能面对自己的人，不会有未来。——我不时提醒自己。
如今，我作为男子部的区主任兼支部男子部部长，还有牙城会的区警备长，在使命之道上前进。去年我实现了3名友人敬领御本尊的弘教，且能够换了一份自己心仪的工作。能在社会上努力我当然高兴，可是最教我高兴的是，我能够成为对过去经历过的辛苦的事全然感激的自己，我实感这是我最大的功德。
人信前的我，一切全是“别人的错”，可是信心让我能够变成一切全是“多亏了别人”。因此，就连当年那位说：“我讨厌你”，还打我的班主任，如今我也心存感激。因为正是有那个痛苦的经历，我才得以遇到池田先生。
我从池田先生那里得到梦想和希望，今后是轮到我将它给予他人。
(卓碗真譯自《大白蓮華》2015年5月)