How Wonderful It Is to be Alive!
Noboru Suzuki
Japan
So that was why. I finally understood then. It was only after I started working that I finally got to know the answer to the mystery that had been haunting my life.
Which was: Why did my mother kept abusing me? Not long after I was born, my parents divorced and the person whom I had thought to be my mother was actually my stepmother.
Probably, for my mother, having to take care of a child who is completely unrelated to her by blood must have been a great chore. However, for me who was completely ignorant of the entire situation, I had to go through constant excruciating pain, sorrow and fear.
Go Cool Your Head!
I was born and raised in Otaru, Hokkaido. I have an elder brother and two younger sisters. However, among my siblings, I was the only one who was abused by my mother for trivial reasons such as being noisy or not tidying up the place.
I suffered from both verbal and physical abuse. Not only was I constantly been hurled with abusive words, I was often beaten and kicked. Many a times I thought to myself, “This is it. I am going to be beaten to death ....” One day, I made up my mind and asked my mother, “Why do you abuse me?” She replied, “For some reason, the very sight of you irritates me. Why were you born in the first place?”
My whole body froze. Wiping off my tears with my arm, I shouted back at her, “Then why did you give birth to me in the first place?” Twitching her lips, she remained silent.
My elder brother and I were given birth by my biological mother whom my father had divorced. My two younger sisters were the offspring of my stepmother. However, I was the only one targeted for abuse. I wondered why. Perhaps, my elder brother was an all-rounder, who was good in both sports and studies, unlike me.
My father was managing a fresh vegetables and fruits business and was busy from early morning till late at night. However, even upon witnessing my abuse, he would defend my mother and reprimand me instead: “You mustn’t defy your parents!” My elder brother and my younger sisters were so fearful, they dare not utter a word.
“Is there any meaning for me to remain alive in this world? Or should I say, is it okay for me to be alive?” With these thoughts in mind, one fine day, I jumped down from the third level of my house. But I found myself heaving a sigh of relief when I discovered that I suffered no injuries. I was probably afraid to die.
When I was in Primary 5, I started running away from home repeatedly, carrying nothing with me. With no money, I would wander around aimlessly. The police would find me wandering around late in the night and escort me home. Each time, my mother would go insanely mad.
One of the worst things happened during the winter holidays when I was in secondary one. For approximately three whole weeks, I was not given any food. When school reopened, everyone was shocked to see me like a skeleton. It was then that my school saw the gravity of the matter and decided to take action.
Shortly thereafter, I was sent to a children welfare centre in Sapporo where I stayed for one-and-a half month, as a means of temporary protection. Subsequently, I was placed in a children’s home in Rankoshi-cho. “Go cool your head at the children’s home!” My father sent me off with these words. As for my mother, I did not even want to imagine what she was on her mind.
“Eyes Like a Dead Fish”
Though I did not have a good impression of a children’s home before I went, I realised that the home was like heaven. I was given proper meals and could play with friends. More than anything else, I was free. I was very happy.
There were about 70 children, ranging from kindergarten to high school students, staying at the home. Some lost their parents in an accident, some were abandoned soon after they were born, some experienced physical abuse far worse than me.... Each child kept their dark past in the depths of their hearts and lived on with hope. I thought to myself, “How small-hearted I was to have even thought of dying!” I pulled myself together and immersed myself in my studies and sports in secondary and high schools.
During the summer of my last year in high school, I received a tentative confirmation to work at a company in Yubari city. “With this, I am really going to live all by myself.” The thought of this made me somewhat lonely and insecure. With a heavy heart, I left the children's home and started my life in Yubari.
Soon after starting work, I was given the first long weekend break. I decided to go home to take a look since I had not been back for many years. When my mother saw me, she asked: “What did you come back for?” I replied, “To show my face.” She asked in return, “Is there a need to do so?” I was speechless. It was crystal clear that there was no longer a place for me in this home. I left immediately and made my way back to Yubari.
At my workplace, I had problems remembering my work procedures and was reprimanded by my superior almost every day. I gradually lost confidence and thought of quitting my job.
One day, a senior at work called out to me: “Hey, what happened? Your eyes look like that of a dead fish!” I poured out my problems at work to him and he said, “I see. Alright, then come over to my house tonight! There will be this thing called a discussion meeting going on.”
I went to his place that night as told. There were about 20 people there. All of them warmly welcomed me, saying, “Thank you for coming!” They clasped my hands tightly as they invited me in. They were meeting me for the first time and I was supposed to be a complete stranger to them. But why are they so kind to me? Why are they treating me with such warmth and cheer? What warm-hearted people they are. Just then, something suddenly dawned on me. A memory from the past seemed to overlap with what I was experiencing.
During my high school days, I delivered newspaper every morning. I saved up to get a driving license for I knew that in Hokkaido (being a vast land), it is very difficult to work without a car.
While on my way making deliveries in the morning, I would often run into a woman who always greeted me, “Good morning!” or “How are you doing today?” What impressed me most was her smile and she was always high-spirited. Just meeting her made me feel energised, inspiring me to continue working hard. She was also delivering newspapers and the paper she was delivering was “Seikyo Shinbum”. Sometimes, I would try to catch a glimpse of the paper and I would often see a photograph of many smiling faces. I remember thinking to myself, what a strange newspaper.
That smile on the woman’s face, the smiles on the newspaper and the smiles I see right before me at the meeting - they were all the same. This must be the world that the smiling lady was living in - I thought to myself. And everything fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle.
After the discussion meeting, a Young Men Division (YMD) senior said to me passionately, “By chanting daimoku, courage and life force will well forth from your life. And by engaging yourself in Gakkai activities, you will be able to forge a life state that remains undefeated by any adversities in life.”
I decided to become a Soka Gakkai member right there and then. Although I did not understand what the words meant, I did so because I, too, wanted to bring warmth to others just as they did to me.
Living and Shining with Vitality
As I continued exerting myself in Gakkai activities together with fellow members of the YMD, I realised that every member had their problems just like myself. Yet, they were all full of vigour. Why? I realised that they could do so because they had the Gohonzon and President Ikeda as pillars of support in their hearts.
I started chanting daimoku diligently and not long thereafter, my superior at work said this to me, “What happened to you recently? You seem to be living and shining with vitality. Keep it up!” I was taken aback. This must be “the power of daimoku” I thought to myself.
Subsequently, I joined the Saka Han Academy (a special group to support events behind the scene) and took up the challenge to share Buddhism with others. I did my utmost to share my practice of faith with one of my friends, and was able to chant daimoku three times with him. However, it did not progress beyond that. My friend did not start to practice.
Nevertheless, I did not give up. I was determined to continue to challenge myself in conducting Buddhist dialogue with one person after another. I wanted to become a person like my senior who led me to this practice of faith. It was my turn to help others, even if it is just one single individual, just like what my senior did for me.
Upon recollection, there is no doubt that my past is filled with pain and sorrow. But having taken up faith, I can squarely face every pain and sorrow and accept them wholeheartedly. I can embrace everything that happened to me in the past, no matter how hurting because I can now find profound meaning and significance in every single event and put them into correct perspective.
By becoming a member of the Soka Gakkai, I have been able to establish strong bonds with individuals who arc as close to me as my own family members. I can finally see why and for what purpose I am living. These people have taught me how wonderful it is to be alive.
I am experiencing the greatest happiness now. It’s not about formality or appearance. I can even feel grateful to my parents who had raised me and created the cause for me to become a member of the Soka Gakkai.
I shall continue living and forge on to the fullest. I am going to strive to my utmost with the pride and sense of mission to be living in Yubari, the land where President Ikeda had fought with his life.
[Translated from July 2015 Daibyakurenge]
Translation Disclaimer: The original testimonial is in the Chinese Language. It has been translated to the English Language for our readers’ convenience. Reasonable efforts have been made to provide an accurate translation, however the editorial team acknowledged that the translation may not be perfect to the author’s original and seeks our readers understanding. Please note that all guidance and quotes are loosely translated.
(编辑注释: 以上是中英翻译，原版如下.)
活着真美好
铃木伸
曰本
是吗？是这么回事吗？解开一直以来困扰着我的谜，是在我要踏入社会工作的时候。
为什么母亲不断地虐待我？其实，在我出世后不久，父母亲就离异，而一直以来我深信是我母亲的这个人，是父亲再娶的后母。
当跟自己没有血缘关系的我的母亲，谅必会感到厌恶的吧。可是毫不知情的我只感到莫明其妙，备尝被折腾的难受、悲伤和恐怖。
让你的头脑冷静下来！
我在小樽出生长大。上有一个哥哥，下而两个妹妹。可是，在孩了们当中，就只有我一个受到母亲的虐侍，而且都是为了太吵啦、没有收拾整齐啦等等琐碎的理由。
言语的暴力不用说，还遭到拳打脚踢。有好多次我心想:我会活活被打死吧。有一大，我毅然决然地问母亲：“为什么对我行使爆力?”母亲说：“不知为什么我一见你就觉得厌烦。像你这样的人为什么要生下来呢？”
我当下觉得全身冰冷。我一边用胳膊擦拭夺眶而出的泪水,一边朝她大声喊道:“那，你为什么要把我生下来呢？”母亲咧着嘴,默不作声。
我和哥哥是跟父亲离婚的大妈生的,下面两个妹妹是后母生的。可是，为什么就我-个人中靶呢？一定是因为哥哥跟我不一样，他既是运动全能，学业成绩又好。
经营蔬果生意的父亲从早忙到晚，偶尔见我被虐待，还斥责我：“不得反抗父母亲”，如此偏袒母亲。哥哥和妹妹们害怕受牵连吧，他们都闭着嘴巴。
“活着对我还有什么意思吗？或者应该说，我活着，行吗？”有一天，我从自家的三楼一跃而下。我应该是怕死的吧，当我发现自己身上竟然没有半点伤时，不禁放下
心来。
只有身上一套衣服就重复离家出走是在我小学五年级的时候。因为身上没带钱，只是漫无目的地四处徘徊。深夜被警察发现被护送问家。这个吋候，母亲就会怒发冲冠。
最糟糕的是中一的寒假。大约有三个星期，完全不给我饭吃。寒假过去了，我回去上学。见我一副瘦骨如柴的样子，校方感到吃惊，觉得事态严重，决定采取行动。之后以暂时受保护的形式，我被送进札幌的一间儿童福利社，在那里待了一个半月。在这之后，我又被送到兰越町儿童护养中心：“进到中心之后，要让头脑冷静下来！” 父亲把我送出家门时，这么对我说。至于母亲作何想我不想知道。
“死鱼一样的眼睛”
虽然之前我对儿童福利设施没好印象，可是我发现那里就如大堂一般，有得吃，有朋友跟你玩，最好的是有自由。我很开心。
进到这里来的有年龄介干幼儿园生和高中生大约70人。有因意外而失去双亲的孩子，有一出世就被遗弃的孩子，有比我被虐待得更厉害的孩子……。大家都把种种沉重的过去埋藏在心里，开朗地活下去。我心想：“甚至想到去死的我是多么渺小啊。”于是，念中学和高中时，我都专心致志地读书和运动。
高三的复天，我陂汐张市某家公司内定。“这样一来，我当真要独自生活了。”——我一想到这里，我心中就没了
底，而且感到寂寞空虚。就这样我离开了儿童福利设施，开始在夕张生活。
踏人社会工作后，第一次碰上连续休假，于是决定回去阔别多年的家看看。母亲见到我劈头就问：“回来干嘛？” “跟大家见见面。”我回答她说。“有这个必要叫？”她反问回我。我顿时语塞。到了这个地步，我已休会到我没有家了。我跑出家门，重返夕张。
在工作岗位上，我很难记得工作的细节，几乎毎天都被上司批评。渐渐的，我失去了自信心，想要辞职。
有一天，公司里的个前辈对我说：“喂，怎么啦？死鱼一样的眼睛！”我老老实实地向他说出我在工作上的烦恼。“是吗？那么，今晚上来我家吧。因为我家开座谈会。”
当晚我应邀去到座谈会的会场。那里大约有20个人吧。“呀，来得太好了！”他们边说边握住我的手，把我请进屋里。双方只是初次见面，对于陌生的我何以如此友善、爽朗，笑脸相迎呢？多么亲切的人啊。我这么想的瞬间，突然屏住了气，因为我现在的体会跟过去的回忆有所重叠。
其实高中时代，我每天早上都会去派报纸。在北海道没有车，要找工作很难。因此，我在攒钱考取驾照。
早上在派报的途中，常常会跟一个妇人碰头，而那个妇人总是会跟我打招呼，说：“早啊！”“今天过得好吗？”让我印象深刻的是她的笑容。她总是精神饱满的，只是见到面，我整个人都会精神起来，心里会想：我也要加把劲儿。那个妇人派的是《圣教新闻》。只要稍微扫一眼她的报纸，就会看到众多的笑脸。我心想：好奇怪的报纸啊。
那位妇人的笑脸、报纸上的笑脸，还有现在眼前这些人的笑脸，它们全都是一样的。这就是那位妇人所在的生气勃勃的世界吗？它们都拼在了一块儿。
座谈会完了之后，男子部的前辈如此热情地对我说：“只要唱题目，勇气和精神就会涌现出来。努力参加学会活动的话，自己就会变得不会败给任何困难。”
我决定加人创价学会。我虽然不很明白他说的话的意思，可是我也要成为像这些人一样，能温暖别人的心！因为我是这么想的。
生气勃勃地闪耀着
我和男子部的伙伴们勤快地参加学会的活动。我知道大家跟我一样抱着各种各样的烦恼。可是大伙儿却非常有精神。为什么呢？我知道那是因为大家心里有御本尊和池田先生这实实在在的支柱。
努力唱题之后不久，便受到上司的鼓励：“最近怎么啦？总觉得你生气勃勃，精神焕发的？以这样的状态努力吧！”“这是题目的力量吗？“我自己也感到惊讶。
在这之后，我加入了创价班大学（男子部的运营组），也挑战折伏。我努力向一个朋友诉说佛法，并且和他一起唱了三句题目。可是仅此而巳，我的折伏并没有成果。
可是我并没有因而放弃折伏。我决定要跟这个人、那个人，接连不断地挑战佛法对话。因为我强烈地想要像当初救了我的那位前华一样，即使一个人也好,这次也让我去救那样的一个人。
想到我的过去，那就只有心酸，只有悲伤。可是如今的我，能够从正面凝视并接受所发生的一切，因为我明白到过去痛苫的一切全都有它的含义。
加人了学会，能够缔结仿如家人一般的人的强韧纽带。为了什么而活，我已找到了其中的意义。这些人教会了我活着真美好。
如今，我有了最大的幸福。对于养育我，制造了让我加人学会的因的双亲，我也由衷感谢他们。
今后我也会努力地生活。努力地奋斗。
一面感受自已来到夕张这个池田先生曾经拼命奋战过的地方的无上使命与自豪。
［转泽自创价学会教学月刊《大白莲牛》2015年7月号］
Noboru Suzuki
Japan
So that was why. I finally understood then. It was only after I started working that I finally got to know the answer to the mystery that had been haunting my life.
Which was: Why did my mother kept abusing me? Not long after I was born, my parents divorced and the person whom I had thought to be my mother was actually my stepmother.
Probably, for my mother, having to take care of a child who is completely unrelated to her by blood must have been a great chore. However, for me who was completely ignorant of the entire situation, I had to go through constant excruciating pain, sorrow and fear.
Go Cool Your Head!
I was born and raised in Otaru, Hokkaido. I have an elder brother and two younger sisters. However, among my siblings, I was the only one who was abused by my mother for trivial reasons such as being noisy or not tidying up the place.
I suffered from both verbal and physical abuse. Not only was I constantly been hurled with abusive words, I was often beaten and kicked. Many a times I thought to myself, “This is it. I am going to be beaten to death ....” One day, I made up my mind and asked my mother, “Why do you abuse me?” She replied, “For some reason, the very sight of you irritates me. Why were you born in the first place?”
My whole body froze. Wiping off my tears with my arm, I shouted back at her, “Then why did you give birth to me in the first place?” Twitching her lips, she remained silent.
My elder brother and I were given birth by my biological mother whom my father had divorced. My two younger sisters were the offspring of my stepmother. However, I was the only one targeted for abuse. I wondered why. Perhaps, my elder brother was an all-rounder, who was good in both sports and studies, unlike me.
My father was managing a fresh vegetables and fruits business and was busy from early morning till late at night. However, even upon witnessing my abuse, he would defend my mother and reprimand me instead: “You mustn’t defy your parents!” My elder brother and my younger sisters were so fearful, they dare not utter a word.
“Is there any meaning for me to remain alive in this world? Or should I say, is it okay for me to be alive?” With these thoughts in mind, one fine day, I jumped down from the third level of my house. But I found myself heaving a sigh of relief when I discovered that I suffered no injuries. I was probably afraid to die.
When I was in Primary 5, I started running away from home repeatedly, carrying nothing with me. With no money, I would wander around aimlessly. The police would find me wandering around late in the night and escort me home. Each time, my mother would go insanely mad.
One of the worst things happened during the winter holidays when I was in secondary one. For approximately three whole weeks, I was not given any food. When school reopened, everyone was shocked to see me like a skeleton. It was then that my school saw the gravity of the matter and decided to take action.
Shortly thereafter, I was sent to a children welfare centre in Sapporo where I stayed for one-and-a half month, as a means of temporary protection. Subsequently, I was placed in a children’s home in Rankoshi-cho. “Go cool your head at the children’s home!” My father sent me off with these words. As for my mother, I did not even want to imagine what she was on her mind.
“Eyes Like a Dead Fish”
Though I did not have a good impression of a children’s home before I went, I realised that the home was like heaven. I was given proper meals and could play with friends. More than anything else, I was free. I was very happy.
There were about 70 children, ranging from kindergarten to high school students, staying at the home. Some lost their parents in an accident, some were abandoned soon after they were born, some experienced physical abuse far worse than me.... Each child kept their dark past in the depths of their hearts and lived on with hope. I thought to myself, “How small-hearted I was to have even thought of dying!” I pulled myself together and immersed myself in my studies and sports in secondary and high schools.
During the summer of my last year in high school, I received a tentative confirmation to work at a company in Yubari city. “With this, I am really going to live all by myself.” The thought of this made me somewhat lonely and insecure. With a heavy heart, I left the children's home and started my life in Yubari.
Soon after starting work, I was given the first long weekend break. I decided to go home to take a look since I had not been back for many years. When my mother saw me, she asked: “What did you come back for?” I replied, “To show my face.” She asked in return, “Is there a need to do so?” I was speechless. It was crystal clear that there was no longer a place for me in this home. I left immediately and made my way back to Yubari.
At my workplace, I had problems remembering my work procedures and was reprimanded by my superior almost every day. I gradually lost confidence and thought of quitting my job.
One day, a senior at work called out to me: “Hey, what happened? Your eyes look like that of a dead fish!” I poured out my problems at work to him and he said, “I see. Alright, then come over to my house tonight! There will be this thing called a discussion meeting going on.”
I went to his place that night as told. There were about 20 people there. All of them warmly welcomed me, saying, “Thank you for coming!” They clasped my hands tightly as they invited me in. They were meeting me for the first time and I was supposed to be a complete stranger to them. But why are they so kind to me? Why are they treating me with such warmth and cheer? What warm-hearted people they are. Just then, something suddenly dawned on me. A memory from the past seemed to overlap with what I was experiencing.
During my high school days, I delivered newspaper every morning. I saved up to get a driving license for I knew that in Hokkaido (being a vast land), it is very difficult to work without a car.
While on my way making deliveries in the morning, I would often run into a woman who always greeted me, “Good morning!” or “How are you doing today?” What impressed me most was her smile and she was always high-spirited. Just meeting her made me feel energised, inspiring me to continue working hard. She was also delivering newspapers and the paper she was delivering was “Seikyo Shinbum”. Sometimes, I would try to catch a glimpse of the paper and I would often see a photograph of many smiling faces. I remember thinking to myself, what a strange newspaper.
That smile on the woman’s face, the smiles on the newspaper and the smiles I see right before me at the meeting - they were all the same. This must be the world that the smiling lady was living in - I thought to myself. And everything fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle.
After the discussion meeting, a Young Men Division (YMD) senior said to me passionately, “By chanting daimoku, courage and life force will well forth from your life. And by engaging yourself in Gakkai activities, you will be able to forge a life state that remains undefeated by any adversities in life.”
I decided to become a Soka Gakkai member right there and then. Although I did not understand what the words meant, I did so because I, too, wanted to bring warmth to others just as they did to me.
Living and Shining with Vitality
As I continued exerting myself in Gakkai activities together with fellow members of the YMD, I realised that every member had their problems just like myself. Yet, they were all full of vigour. Why? I realised that they could do so because they had the Gohonzon and President Ikeda as pillars of support in their hearts.
I started chanting daimoku diligently and not long thereafter, my superior at work said this to me, “What happened to you recently? You seem to be living and shining with vitality. Keep it up!” I was taken aback. This must be “the power of daimoku” I thought to myself.
Subsequently, I joined the Saka Han Academy (a special group to support events behind the scene) and took up the challenge to share Buddhism with others. I did my utmost to share my practice of faith with one of my friends, and was able to chant daimoku three times with him. However, it did not progress beyond that. My friend did not start to practice.
Nevertheless, I did not give up. I was determined to continue to challenge myself in conducting Buddhist dialogue with one person after another. I wanted to become a person like my senior who led me to this practice of faith. It was my turn to help others, even if it is just one single individual, just like what my senior did for me.
Upon recollection, there is no doubt that my past is filled with pain and sorrow. But having taken up faith, I can squarely face every pain and sorrow and accept them wholeheartedly. I can embrace everything that happened to me in the past, no matter how hurting because I can now find profound meaning and significance in every single event and put them into correct perspective.
By becoming a member of the Soka Gakkai, I have been able to establish strong bonds with individuals who arc as close to me as my own family members. I can finally see why and for what purpose I am living. These people have taught me how wonderful it is to be alive.
I am experiencing the greatest happiness now. It’s not about formality or appearance. I can even feel grateful to my parents who had raised me and created the cause for me to become a member of the Soka Gakkai.
I shall continue living and forge on to the fullest. I am going to strive to my utmost with the pride and sense of mission to be living in Yubari, the land where President Ikeda had fought with his life.
[Translated from July 2015 Daibyakurenge]
Translation Disclaimer: The original testimonial is in the Chinese Language. It has been translated to the English Language for our readers’ convenience. Reasonable efforts have been made to provide an accurate translation, however the editorial team acknowledged that the translation may not be perfect to the author’s original and seeks our readers understanding. Please note that all guidance and quotes are loosely translated.
(编辑注释: 以上是中英翻译，原版如下.)
活着真美好
铃木伸
曰本
是吗？是这么回事吗？解开一直以来困扰着我的谜，是在我要踏入社会工作的时候。
为什么母亲不断地虐待我？其实，在我出世后不久，父母亲就离异，而一直以来我深信是我母亲的这个人，是父亲再娶的后母。
当跟自己没有血缘关系的我的母亲，谅必会感到厌恶的吧。可是毫不知情的我只感到莫明其妙，备尝被折腾的难受、悲伤和恐怖。
让你的头脑冷静下来！
我在小樽出生长大。上有一个哥哥，下而两个妹妹。可是，在孩了们当中，就只有我一个受到母亲的虐侍，而且都是为了太吵啦、没有收拾整齐啦等等琐碎的理由。
言语的暴力不用说，还遭到拳打脚踢。有好多次我心想:我会活活被打死吧。有一大，我毅然决然地问母亲：“为什么对我行使爆力?”母亲说：“不知为什么我一见你就觉得厌烦。像你这样的人为什么要生下来呢？”
我当下觉得全身冰冷。我一边用胳膊擦拭夺眶而出的泪水,一边朝她大声喊道:“那，你为什么要把我生下来呢？”母亲咧着嘴,默不作声。
我和哥哥是跟父亲离婚的大妈生的,下面两个妹妹是后母生的。可是，为什么就我-个人中靶呢？一定是因为哥哥跟我不一样，他既是运动全能，学业成绩又好。
经营蔬果生意的父亲从早忙到晚，偶尔见我被虐待，还斥责我：“不得反抗父母亲”，如此偏袒母亲。哥哥和妹妹们害怕受牵连吧，他们都闭着嘴巴。
“活着对我还有什么意思吗？或者应该说，我活着，行吗？”有一天，我从自家的三楼一跃而下。我应该是怕死的吧，当我发现自己身上竟然没有半点伤时，不禁放下
心来。
只有身上一套衣服就重复离家出走是在我小学五年级的时候。因为身上没带钱，只是漫无目的地四处徘徊。深夜被警察发现被护送问家。这个吋候，母亲就会怒发冲冠。
最糟糕的是中一的寒假。大约有三个星期，完全不给我饭吃。寒假过去了，我回去上学。见我一副瘦骨如柴的样子，校方感到吃惊，觉得事态严重，决定采取行动。之后以暂时受保护的形式，我被送进札幌的一间儿童福利社，在那里待了一个半月。在这之后，我又被送到兰越町儿童护养中心：“进到中心之后，要让头脑冷静下来！” 父亲把我送出家门时，这么对我说。至于母亲作何想我不想知道。
“死鱼一样的眼睛”
虽然之前我对儿童福利设施没好印象，可是我发现那里就如大堂一般，有得吃，有朋友跟你玩，最好的是有自由。我很开心。
进到这里来的有年龄介干幼儿园生和高中生大约70人。有因意外而失去双亲的孩子，有一出世就被遗弃的孩子，有比我被虐待得更厉害的孩子……。大家都把种种沉重的过去埋藏在心里，开朗地活下去。我心想：“甚至想到去死的我是多么渺小啊。”于是，念中学和高中时，我都专心致志地读书和运动。
高三的复天，我陂汐张市某家公司内定。“这样一来，我当真要独自生活了。”——我一想到这里，我心中就没了
底，而且感到寂寞空虚。就这样我离开了儿童福利设施，开始在夕张生活。
踏人社会工作后，第一次碰上连续休假，于是决定回去阔别多年的家看看。母亲见到我劈头就问：“回来干嘛？” “跟大家见见面。”我回答她说。“有这个必要叫？”她反问回我。我顿时语塞。到了这个地步，我已休会到我没有家了。我跑出家门，重返夕张。
在工作岗位上，我很难记得工作的细节，几乎毎天都被上司批评。渐渐的，我失去了自信心，想要辞职。
有一天，公司里的个前辈对我说：“喂，怎么啦？死鱼一样的眼睛！”我老老实实地向他说出我在工作上的烦恼。“是吗？那么，今晚上来我家吧。因为我家开座谈会。”
当晚我应邀去到座谈会的会场。那里大约有20个人吧。“呀，来得太好了！”他们边说边握住我的手，把我请进屋里。双方只是初次见面，对于陌生的我何以如此友善、爽朗，笑脸相迎呢？多么亲切的人啊。我这么想的瞬间，突然屏住了气，因为我现在的体会跟过去的回忆有所重叠。
其实高中时代，我每天早上都会去派报纸。在北海道没有车，要找工作很难。因此，我在攒钱考取驾照。
早上在派报的途中，常常会跟一个妇人碰头，而那个妇人总是会跟我打招呼，说：“早啊！”“今天过得好吗？”让我印象深刻的是她的笑容。她总是精神饱满的，只是见到面，我整个人都会精神起来，心里会想：我也要加把劲儿。那个妇人派的是《圣教新闻》。只要稍微扫一眼她的报纸，就会看到众多的笑脸。我心想：好奇怪的报纸啊。
那位妇人的笑脸、报纸上的笑脸，还有现在眼前这些人的笑脸，它们全都是一样的。这就是那位妇人所在的生气勃勃的世界吗？它们都拼在了一块儿。
座谈会完了之后，男子部的前辈如此热情地对我说：“只要唱题目，勇气和精神就会涌现出来。努力参加学会活动的话，自己就会变得不会败给任何困难。”
我决定加人创价学会。我虽然不很明白他说的话的意思，可是我也要成为像这些人一样，能温暖别人的心！因为我是这么想的。
生气勃勃地闪耀着
我和男子部的伙伴们勤快地参加学会的活动。我知道大家跟我一样抱着各种各样的烦恼。可是大伙儿却非常有精神。为什么呢？我知道那是因为大家心里有御本尊和池田先生这实实在在的支柱。
努力唱题之后不久，便受到上司的鼓励：“最近怎么啦？总觉得你生气勃勃，精神焕发的？以这样的状态努力吧！”“这是题目的力量吗？“我自己也感到惊讶。
在这之后，我加入了创价班大学（男子部的运营组），也挑战折伏。我努力向一个朋友诉说佛法，并且和他一起唱了三句题目。可是仅此而巳，我的折伏并没有成果。
可是我并没有因而放弃折伏。我决定要跟这个人、那个人，接连不断地挑战佛法对话。因为我强烈地想要像当初救了我的那位前华一样，即使一个人也好,这次也让我去救那样的一个人。
想到我的过去，那就只有心酸，只有悲伤。可是如今的我，能够从正面凝视并接受所发生的一切，因为我明白到过去痛苫的一切全都有它的含义。
加人了学会，能够缔结仿如家人一般的人的强韧纽带。为了什么而活，我已找到了其中的意义。这些人教会了我活着真美好。
如今，我有了最大的幸福。对于养育我，制造了让我加人学会的因的双亲，我也由衷感谢他们。
今后我也会努力地生活。努力地奋斗。
一面感受自已来到夕张这个池田先生曾经拼命奋战过的地方的无上使命与自豪。
［转泽自创价学会教学月刊《大白莲牛》2015年7月号］
